The same sadly outdated and oft-used dynamic of sheltered, gullible virgin girl and sophisticated, powerful man was maybe interesting and hot in some vintage, dog-eared romance novels, but these days movie plots can and should be more nuanced, and well…modern. The sad Cinderella trope of a movie plot needs to be put out of our misery. His complete inability to be interested in her in any kind of healthy way isn’t something that should be endearing, sexy or romancy. It stands to reason that a smoking hot, chemistry-balanced Hollywood couple could have helped make Fifty Shades into a slightly less horrible film dump, but I doubt it. Watching Ana’s waifish, naïve passive-aggression and Christian’s stilted Dom-bot, one-dimensional pursuit of a bad D/s relationship made me want to go back in time and apologize profusely to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez for saying they were the worst on-screen couple in film history. The two main characters have zero chemistry.Ĭongrats, Fifty Shades the movie! I didn’t think there could be worse chemistry between leads than the drama-sodden, forced romance in the Star Wars prequels, but the relationship between Jamie Dornan’s Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson’s Anastasia Steele made about as much sense as Jar Jar Binks making sweet, kinky love to the fuel tank of the Millennium Falcon.
Not that I didn’t anticipate maximum suckage since the book was also terrible, but I suppose I held out a vestige of hope that maybe the movie version would be less unrealistic, misogynistic, trite, ludicrous and the direct opposite of sexy - and sex-positive. Here’s five reasons why.ĥ.
Shocker of all shockers: the Fifty Shades of Grey movie sucked so hard it left a gaping hole where my soul used to be.
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